drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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