Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
