So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
