I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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