woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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