so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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