i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
