I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
