I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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