I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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