I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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