Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
