my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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