i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
