did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
