One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
