I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
