If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
