CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
