bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
