why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
