just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
