if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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