She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it's great music for shaving your balls
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize