Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
