my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
