I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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