the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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