Umm I'm too high to move.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize