walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
