In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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