and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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