Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
