I haven't been this sober since birth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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