My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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