oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
