Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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