So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
