I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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