Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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