so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
