There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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