Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
