my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
