I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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