After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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