From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
