Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
