i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
