you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize