just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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