not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
