I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
