omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
