Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
