i wish my penis had a tongue
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
