I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
