Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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