Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
