Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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