What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
