Who did Billy Mays play for?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
