Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
